I Am Worried

Everytime I try to be happy-
there is always something that prevent me to be.

Advices and great phrases are spoken to me-
but I dont know if that really affects me in a long term- for me- they are just temporary.

Get shortlisted for CCA squash and get thru' the try out-
I dont know if I should be happy for it, knowing no one in my cohort,
they seem like strangers to me, or more precise, they dont like me.
I have no idea if they are friendly or not,
maybe I only need to start to have a clean sheet of paper about them,
not judging them over appearance.
Or else- I should be blaming myself.
"be yourself" - is this really what we want?
For me, I am sick of being myself- regretting to be myself.
Why I am not as 'manly' as them? People might think that I am not like what a boy should be. Is it my appearance, or what? Am I really turning 18 yo this year?
I am wondering if people out there, students, who are thinking the same like me, where his surroundings are full of great people, and you feel yourself is just a piece of crap, neglected.

Valentine's day. As usual, single.
Went out with my roommates for a buffet and watch movie.
Arrived at boarding sch playing squash and closing my day by online and blogging.

Is blog the only thing where I can pour my heart and mind out? This unreal world?
No shoulder to lean and no ears to listen to me in this real world.

Welcome to IB life!
Stresses are just about to arrive to my brain- undescribable.
five point twelve, happened to be a scholar class. Let see what will happen in two years time.
EE and TOK- im clueless.

Note to all people out there:
If you dont know how it feels to live alone, totally without your family or even a relative in a country, it is really horrible. Friends will be your only hope- wishing their presence and care for you. However it is not easy to come- with all the different cultures, language, and styles-
thats what happen to me. Dying alone- hoping to have a truly good friends.