I Am Worried

Everytime I try to be happy-
there is always something that prevent me to be.

Advices and great phrases are spoken to me-
but I dont know if that really affects me in a long term- for me- they are just temporary.

Get shortlisted for CCA squash and get thru' the try out-
I dont know if I should be happy for it, knowing no one in my cohort,
they seem like strangers to me, or more precise, they dont like me.
I have no idea if they are friendly or not,
maybe I only need to start to have a clean sheet of paper about them,
not judging them over appearance.
Or else- I should be blaming myself.
"be yourself" - is this really what we want?
For me, I am sick of being myself- regretting to be myself.
Why I am not as 'manly' as them? People might think that I am not like what a boy should be. Is it my appearance, or what? Am I really turning 18 yo this year?
I am wondering if people out there, students, who are thinking the same like me, where his surroundings are full of great people, and you feel yourself is just a piece of crap, neglected.

Valentine's day. As usual, single.
Went out with my roommates for a buffet and watch movie.
Arrived at boarding sch playing squash and closing my day by online and blogging.

Is blog the only thing where I can pour my heart and mind out? This unreal world?
No shoulder to lean and no ears to listen to me in this real world.

Welcome to IB life!
Stresses are just about to arrive to my brain- undescribable.
five point twelve, happened to be a scholar class. Let see what will happen in two years time.
EE and TOK- im clueless.

Note to all people out there:
If you dont know how it feels to live alone, totally without your family or even a relative in a country, it is really horrible. Friends will be your only hope- wishing their presence and care for you. However it is not easy to come- with all the different cultures, language, and styles-
thats what happen to me. Dying alone- hoping to have a truly good friends.

Greener at Other Sides

Heard of phrase
"the garden at the other sides is always greener than yours"?

I have no idea why I, somehow, like to comparing people--
Am I too despo to find a friend; i mean really good friend.

Not all people are open to others.
I always think that I have the greatest pain experience of life compared to my peers at my age. However, some people actually have something that is more painful compared to me~

Comparing with others;
they are more handsome while I am not,
when I see tall people, I want to be as tall as them
when I see short talented people, I want to be like him.
What is in my mind actually?

seeing people with talented sports, I want to be as good as them;
-- am i wrong doing this? but this is me- despo looking for friends, you may call me that.

Now I am regretting myself, falling into the trap that darken my life-
not just once, but many times.
I cant forgive myself, I have no idea how to pay back this guiltiness.

For those people out there,
are you doing the same thing like me?
I have no idea-- maybe I am just like this, forever?

I played a game in my psp last time,
and there is a phrase at the end of the game,
"Why people are comparing each other?
It's because comparing is to prove our existence."

....
How is my life going to be?
No hands to hold on
No shoulders to cry on
No buddy to be together with..

Thanking 2009

When i was a child, i had a high self-esteem...

i thought i am great...

i though i am all-rounded...

but as i growing older, i realised and found thousands pieces of puzzle of life...

Realising that my border for this puzzle is too small,
i enlarge my border for this pieces of puzzle.

At the end, i understand, that i am not that great but just a small portion of these puzzles.

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HEARTIEST THANKS to this following:
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My mom
I regret to only say I love you for one time. After you have gone, I couldnt say it anymore, how much i love you. Thank you so much!

My dad
Thank you for your indirect love, even you dont show it in front of me, but i understand how you feel.

My sister and brothers and all-in-laws
Thank you for your cares and supports, even our age gaps are very far.

My friends
Thank you for surrounding me.

My teachers
Thank you for educating me.

My ''uncle
Thank you for everything, networks and all the fun that you have provided.

My ''kor
Thank you for being there, you are the best and understand my situation!

All the strangers who had seen me somwhere and somehow
I love to look at you all!

***Thanks for everybody, both who are creating the ups and downs in my life.

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RECENTS
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Orientations are so boring but somehow, it gives some interesting feeling.
There are still another two weeks of orientation, starting tomorrow.
All the girls and boys from other school (express stream) will be joining us too, tomorrow.
Looking forward to know more friends (including from my previous sch too)
-- but I dont know how to have more friends. too paiseh i guess.

Was so happy when my ''kor came to Singapore.
He also introduced me to his friends. (and i got a hongbao) ROFL
It's really indescribable the feeling to have him as my ''kor.
Miss him so much.

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Sometimes I feel that people hate me so much,

maybe it is true that i am the cause of everything~
sorry if i ever hurt you. please forgive me.