School?

Is school really important, very useful, and promising our future?

There was a topic something about this somehow (eventhough it is supposed to be living a good life) --

Actually I also confused, whether excel in school is very very important--?
Whether building closer relationship with friends is more important?
I definitely say that relationship is more important but somehow,
I cant just neglect my school work. I feel that I have my responsibility-heart in schoolwork.
At the same time, I cant really cope with the relationship that I have with my friends- some, can- but some of them, I just cant follow the way I think.
That is why sometimes I decide to be independent (and now on I think I should be more independent). No more waiting for friends for silly funny thing but to have more decision on what I should do. Like what people say, you wont jump into the well when other people tell you so.

Talking too much is maybe my another problem. From now on, I think I should cut down unnecessary talk. Should it make me look more mature, it even better.

On the other hand, putting to much serious thing in school, it will lead to less fun that I will get during my youth time. So, this is the difficult part: where is the line?

Grades do not seem that #1 important in life, but pressure that keep me stressed.
Family? - eventhough they dont really mind if I get what I can, as long I put in my effort.
But, how about scholarship, kiasu and lazy peers (somehow they affect me), teachers, and many others.

I want to enjoy life, but it seems impossible in this state.
Should I enjoy in this manner. and i have no choice. It is life- it is fate.

Step back, Stay, and Reflect

It has been a long time since the last time I wrote a post in this blog.
So difficult to find time in the midst of IB life.

I have no idea whether the gap between IB and secondary life is really that big,
or is it because the late start of school this year-
or is it just fated to be like this?

Weekend now doesnt really like a weekend.
Weekdays now become more intensified as weekdays.

I dont want to extend day to be more than 24hours so that I can finish my IB life asap
but at the same time I dont have enough time to finish my work eventhough I can quite cope with the datelines.

I am going to India in two weeks time. Hope it is not affected with the swine flu issue, so it wont be cancelled.

I feel so confused-- with life-- with friends, and other things.
I do envy some people
and I dont know why people are just too unique until we cant really open to each other.
Some people are just very irritating but some are quite good to be with.
Even I say so, I do think that I am irritating for some people.
Sometimes I want to do good things, but ended up worse.
From now on, I think I will stay close within myself- not locking the door within me but at the same time I wont really expose myself- keeping most of things myself and find the correct person to share what I can share to others.

Currently I think I only close to less than 5 people.
Really looking forward to meet each one of them- celebrating birthday and etc.

I feel so wrong to be me-
I think I just dont fit with my peers, not because I am outstanding in a sense that I am good but I think I am outstanding in a sense that I am awkward.

If people do think that they know how much I envy other people, I still think they do not know how much that I envy people.

Now, nothing much can be done-
I only can try to finish this 1.5years of my scholarship and see how thing goes.

There are still many things that I can write- maybe next time.

Most of my posts might sound that I never appreciate good things. I do appreciate them, but most of the times bad things tend to pull all my mood down and cover up those good things.

FAME 2009

Everytime I want to speak up,
blog is my best friend

I wonder,
if people really do have heart?

(a) why people need to ask repeating irritating question in front of me?
trying to be sarcastic?

(b) why people do not appreciate someone's effort to give entertainment?
and at the end, they just complaint?

(c) "a great success is always come with a great happiness"
it is just sound to cliche to me;
i dont think it is always like that.
Thank you for those who abrupt my happiness yesterday

(d) Problems keep coming on my way;
will settle them-
i am getting so irritated.

Many academic works piling up-
need to catch up.

I wonder when will I attain happiness?
"Enlightenment comes differently for different people"
but how's mine?

Keep Moving

Everyday
there are always things that we can learn from
we can learn from our friends,
strangers,
nature, and
many other things

Today,
I learn from animals, fishes,
(I wonder if they can talk,
express their feelings)
They keep moving,
continuing their lives,
no matter what happens,
bad or good,
they still moving forward.

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I feel that I am working everyday 24/7
whether it is school work, boarding school, or other matters
I dont even have enough time to sleep well.

Today I went to science center to have an A* gathering
(I dont really know many of the others)
I went to watch Sea Monster
The theatre is awesome- esp the huge screen
after that we went inside the Science center and
having catered lunch there.

After that,
my friend picked me up from Science Center to Jurong Point, IMM, and Bras Basah
to buy materials for decoration for FAME.

I hope FAME ends asap.
I am really stress.
I feel that the organisation is lack of understanding of each other-
SELFISH
they dont even offer their helps to the others,
they just want to be dismissed fast- not caring about the others.
I hope the next committee can handle this problem.

Hence,
a lot of schoolwork is kinda neglected-
need to finish everything asap!
and test also coming this week.
I wonder if I can do all these.

Today is Earth Hour,
now I am writing blog in the darkness.

I am still moving forward-
not sure when i will stop moving.

Thanks to J
Will meet you tomorrow morning! XD

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Most people are lonely
but they are afraid to say it out loud
They pretend not lonely,
they are killing themselves inside their heart.

I am lonely
And I know that I am lonely
I admit that I am lonely
I will wait and keep trying to have my true friends.

I Am Worried

Everytime I try to be happy-
there is always something that prevent me to be.

Advices and great phrases are spoken to me-
but I dont know if that really affects me in a long term- for me- they are just temporary.

Get shortlisted for CCA squash and get thru' the try out-
I dont know if I should be happy for it, knowing no one in my cohort,
they seem like strangers to me, or more precise, they dont like me.
I have no idea if they are friendly or not,
maybe I only need to start to have a clean sheet of paper about them,
not judging them over appearance.
Or else- I should be blaming myself.
"be yourself" - is this really what we want?
For me, I am sick of being myself- regretting to be myself.
Why I am not as 'manly' as them? People might think that I am not like what a boy should be. Is it my appearance, or what? Am I really turning 18 yo this year?
I am wondering if people out there, students, who are thinking the same like me, where his surroundings are full of great people, and you feel yourself is just a piece of crap, neglected.

Valentine's day. As usual, single.
Went out with my roommates for a buffet and watch movie.
Arrived at boarding sch playing squash and closing my day by online and blogging.

Is blog the only thing where I can pour my heart and mind out? This unreal world?
No shoulder to lean and no ears to listen to me in this real world.

Welcome to IB life!
Stresses are just about to arrive to my brain- undescribable.
five point twelve, happened to be a scholar class. Let see what will happen in two years time.
EE and TOK- im clueless.

Note to all people out there:
If you dont know how it feels to live alone, totally without your family or even a relative in a country, it is really horrible. Friends will be your only hope- wishing their presence and care for you. However it is not easy to come- with all the different cultures, language, and styles-
thats what happen to me. Dying alone- hoping to have a truly good friends.

Greener at Other Sides

Heard of phrase
"the garden at the other sides is always greener than yours"?

I have no idea why I, somehow, like to comparing people--
Am I too despo to find a friend; i mean really good friend.

Not all people are open to others.
I always think that I have the greatest pain experience of life compared to my peers at my age. However, some people actually have something that is more painful compared to me~

Comparing with others;
they are more handsome while I am not,
when I see tall people, I want to be as tall as them
when I see short talented people, I want to be like him.
What is in my mind actually?

seeing people with talented sports, I want to be as good as them;
-- am i wrong doing this? but this is me- despo looking for friends, you may call me that.

Now I am regretting myself, falling into the trap that darken my life-
not just once, but many times.
I cant forgive myself, I have no idea how to pay back this guiltiness.

For those people out there,
are you doing the same thing like me?
I have no idea-- maybe I am just like this, forever?

I played a game in my psp last time,
and there is a phrase at the end of the game,
"Why people are comparing each other?
It's because comparing is to prove our existence."

....
How is my life going to be?
No hands to hold on
No shoulders to cry on
No buddy to be together with..

Thanking 2009

When i was a child, i had a high self-esteem...

i thought i am great...

i though i am all-rounded...

but as i growing older, i realised and found thousands pieces of puzzle of life...

Realising that my border for this puzzle is too small,
i enlarge my border for this pieces of puzzle.

At the end, i understand, that i am not that great but just a small portion of these puzzles.

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HEARTIEST THANKS to this following:
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My mom
I regret to only say I love you for one time. After you have gone, I couldnt say it anymore, how much i love you. Thank you so much!

My dad
Thank you for your indirect love, even you dont show it in front of me, but i understand how you feel.

My sister and brothers and all-in-laws
Thank you for your cares and supports, even our age gaps are very far.

My friends
Thank you for surrounding me.

My teachers
Thank you for educating me.

My ''uncle
Thank you for everything, networks and all the fun that you have provided.

My ''kor
Thank you for being there, you are the best and understand my situation!

All the strangers who had seen me somwhere and somehow
I love to look at you all!

***Thanks for everybody, both who are creating the ups and downs in my life.

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RECENTS
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Orientations are so boring but somehow, it gives some interesting feeling.
There are still another two weeks of orientation, starting tomorrow.
All the girls and boys from other school (express stream) will be joining us too, tomorrow.
Looking forward to know more friends (including from my previous sch too)
-- but I dont know how to have more friends. too paiseh i guess.

Was so happy when my ''kor came to Singapore.
He also introduced me to his friends. (and i got a hongbao) ROFL
It's really indescribable the feeling to have him as my ''kor.
Miss him so much.

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Sometimes I feel that people hate me so much,

maybe it is true that i am the cause of everything~
sorry if i ever hurt you. please forgive me.